I was watching Unwrapped on the Food Network tonight and they had a segment on Jiffy mixes. Not fun to throw up a little in my mouth…

First off, Jiffy mixes are sweet. Let’s focus on the cornbread mix. Good Cajun cornbread is not sweet. Cornmeal, flour, baking powder and baking soda, egg, salt, oil milk/water and a friggin hot pan is all you need. Cook that baby up and eat the leftovers mixed up with cold milk for breakfast the next morning. The first time I ate sweet cornbread I nearly gagged. This is not candy! This is a bread to go along with your nice etouffee or jambalaya or beans and rice. The trauma of that sweet experience haunted me for a long time.

Then, I dated a guy who said he could make the best cornbread. He wasn’t Cajun or even Creole, so I was skeptical, but willing to give him a chance. My first bite was all the evidence I needed to keep him forever away from the oven. Not only was the cornbread sweet, it was wrong… I bound him securely in scarves and belts and beat him with a wooden spoon until he revealed that he’d used a Jiffy mix.

Jiffy mixes are great for people who are (a) poor and (b) uncaring about what goes into their mouths. They are about the cheapest thing you can buy, in terms of a pre-packaged mix and they all contain LARD! Lard… save me dear baby Jesus… I’ve been a vegetarian for 43 of my 45 years of life on this Earth and don’t think I can’t pick up on the hidden animal products in things. I chastised another boyfriend for preparing some pre-packaged rice dish that I nearly threw up after the first bite – chicken effluvia as a flavoring. I pissed myself off once by making a lovely cherry pie (pitting fresh cherries is a bitch!) in a Pillsbury pie crust. First bite tasted… disgusting… sneaky LARD!

Very rarely I get a hankering for a real cornbread and go to the local natural grocer to get small quantities of the necessary ingredients out of the bulk bins. It is hearty, savory and animal-free. So good… stupid Jiffy mix – should be banned like asbestos…

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